A Golden Key to My Healing

I think if I had to sum up how I healed my relationship with myself + my body, it would come down to this powerful, loving practice:

Self-compassion.

description: Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.

There’s such a softening that happens within me when I remember to offer myself grace. When I lean into “being warm and understanding” toward myself.

For 30+ years, I was anything but kind to myself. It was like I had this goblin within me constantly stealing my peace.

It told me:

You’re not thin enough.

You’re not pretty enough.

You’re not smart enough.

You’re not a good enough friend.

You’re not a good enough wife.

You’re not a good enough mom.

You’re not a good enough human.

You’re not enough.

Little Danielle. Isn’t she a dream? 🤍

She knew her worth. 💕

This is around the time she started to believe “I’m not enough.” 😔

In 2016, I invested in my first life coach, Kristina*. She introduced me to a book called “Loveability” by Robert Holden. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that book changed my entire life.

Within that book, I began to learn (or maybe remember…) this idea of being beloved just as I am.

I began to lean into the idea that no matter what I do, or don’t do, I’m still beloved. That nothing can ever add to or take away my belovedness.

Loveability taught my human self that I am enough. It reminded me that I deserve to be treated with unconditional love, just as I am.

It was only from there self-compassion was able to be unlocked. I wasn’t able to even comprehend self-compassion without understanding my belovedness first.

So, what does practicing self-compassion look like now? A great unlearning…

1. I don’t obsess over our house being perfect. There was a time when our house had to be spotless ALL the time. Our house was quick way to show I was enough. It was exhausting. If you come to our house right now, you’d find that it’s actually a complete shitshow. Dishes are overflowing, laundry is sky high, clutter is all over the kitchen counters, couch pillows are amuck. (Okay, so, a caveat to this, though. I do love a clean, organized home. It helps my nervous system to feel calm which is a high priority for me. I’ll clean up the house because of the peace it gives me, not because perfectionism says I’m shit human if I don’t.)

2. I don’t diet to fit a “perfect ideal”. I don’t diet, period**. Cultural messaging was constantly telling me I needed to lose weight. I had spent every day since I was 10+ thinking about what I ate and what I looked like. My whole ass childhood I was bullied for being a “fat” girl. So, by the time I had entered womanhood I had a completely distorted image of myself. I’ve probably funded Weight Watchers entire branding transformation to being called “WW”. I had been on and off that program since I was 15 years old. I’ve lost and gained hundreds of pounds on it. Here’s the thing, though. I truly believe my soul knew my worthiness and my belovedness (because the soul ONLY knows Love) all along. That’s why yo-yo dieting, “I’ll start Monday” mentality and re-signing up for WW was the norm for my human self. Cognitive dissonance proved that deep within me I knew my belovedness, and I didn’t need to lose weight to prove it to the world. When there’s loveability and self-compassion, the space is crowded out from thoughts of having to lose weight to be worthy.

3. I don’t people please. I now choose to practice self-compassion for myself and my capacity instead of running around saying yes to everything. I’m no longer available to put everyone’s needs above my own. I went through my whole life thinking that if I was “nice” and agreeable, I would look so perfect and easy to deal with. I would exhaust myself making sure everyone was “good”, all the while I was a fucking distressed mess.

4. I have boundaries. I’m the leading lady of my life. I come first, unapologetically. I’m not constantly available to everyone all the time. I say “no” when I want to, and I don’t feel bad. I’m okay with putting down the need to make sure I don’t offend or hurt anyone. One of the greatest things I’ve learned is that I’m not responsible for what people think of me. That’s their business, not mine. All I can do is be the best human I can be and have big, beautiful boundaries in place.

5. I take care of my mental health. a) I lean on support of medication to help me balance my brain chemistry. I give myself self-compassion and let go of the shame of choosing to take prescription medicine. b) I found a movement practice that my body + brain LOVES to practice twice a week - Reformer Pilates. c) I don’t drink much wine anymore. Taking care of my mental health is high priority for me and these three components help big time.

My intention for sharing all of this is that maybe I can help you, dear reader, to remember your belovedness and lean into more self-compassion. Maybe, you too, could feel a deep sigh within your being as you practice being warm and kind to yourself.

You’re worthy.

She’s worthy.

And, so am I.

🤍

*I highly recommend investing in a therapist, coach or spiritual director. I’ve had all three, and all of them have played a significant role in my healing.

A special, wholehearted thank you to Pamela Hogwood-Wilson, Kristina Patai, Amber Kryzs, Kelsey Abbott, Alyssa Chang and Cheryl Harris-Sharman.

**I’m on a medicine called Zepbound. This medicine helps my body to have an even playing field with my blood sugar. Heart disease is hereditary for me, and it’s my intention to take very good care of it. With that said, shedding extra weight off my body *could* help my beautiful heart (📚 recommendation: “Health at Every Size” by Dr. Lindo Bacon). I am not on Zepbound to lose weight to fit a cultural ideal. I’m on Zepbound to help take care of the temple Spirit gave me and to not die of a freaking heart attack. See: #4 and #5 of why I’m not available for anyone’s opinions on my medication choices for my brain + body.