Wait…I got skinny. Why do I still feel awful about myself?

I’ve slowly been moving through my Pinterest boards and deleting a ton of out-of-alignment-with-me pins.

For example:

• quotes such as “Sweat like a pig, look like a fox,” or “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” (😬)

• images of thin bodies that served as my vision board for what I wanted to look like (😒)

• food policing type blogs that tell you what to eat so you don’t get fat (🙄)

• Weight Watcher recipes (😶)

It reminded me of where I’ve been and where I’ve arrived.

My world was saturated with all of that messaging for soo many years. What I thought was “inspiration” was actually perpetuating my distorted relationship with food and my body.

Here’s the zinger.

All of that toxic narrative “worked" in a way.

It got me where I wanted to be.

In 2011, I lost like 80+ lbs.

So, yeah, it worked…but, at the expense of my entire being.

I was the thinnest I’d ever been and I still felt like I was too fat. 😳

And, I was riddled with awful, awful anxiety.

And, by the way, I was freaking hungry.

(This was a gown I was wearing to an upcoming military ball in 2012. I wore an ugly black half jacket with it because I was ashamed of my arms…of course.)

Here’s the thing though: No matter how much weight I lost, I was never going to feel it was enough. Because deep down I didn’t think I was good enough.

🛑 Before we move on, let’s rewind to the 90s for a moment. ⏮️

I was bullied as a child/teenager for my body.

Here are examples of what I heard:

(A boy who was talking to my friend and he didn’t realize I was listening in on another phone in the house) "Tell Danielle to skip a meal.”

(A boy who himself was bullied for his body and was just doing what was done to him) “Elephant woman.”

(A boy picking me up in a blanket) “Omg, you’re so heavy.”

(A boy in gym class when he was my wheelbarrow partner) “I can’t do that! She’s too heavy!”

(A boy in a hockey room locker when he heard loud banging) “Oh, must be Danielle is walking outside.”

I also struggled in academics more than anyone I knew. So, I also had the messaging of “I’m stupid” happening within me, too.

Then, for the cherry on top, all of the boys I had crushes on always liked my friends. And, my friends were, of course, skinner.

Hello, childhood trauma 👋.

It was never about the weight.

I could reach my goals all day long but I’d never feel good until I addressed childhood trauma and my self-worth.

Younger Danielle needed tending to.

(This is one of my childhood best friends, Tara, and I at my brother’s hockey game in 1997.)

It was time to start doing the uncomfortable work of leaning into the shame, embarrassment and pain of my childhood/teen years.

So, that’s exactly what I did. And, it’s been a long, overwhelming, contractradictory path (but so beautiful, too).

Over the span of many, many years, I’ve curated my healing journey by:

💗 being brave and going to therapy
💗 finding Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size
💗 understanding what anti-diet culture really means
💗 learning what feminism really is
💗 being a part of the body-love movement
💗 reading a gazillion books on self-growth + self-love
💗 practicing self-forgiveness, self-acceptance + self-compassion
💗 hiring life coaches
💗 enrolling in a 6-month health + neuroscience program
💗 learning my Human Design
💗 finding my spiritual director
💗 taking care of my mental health
💗 reprogramming my brain
💗 falling in love with Divine Feminine spirituality
💗 …and in 2023, finally spiraling deep into my heart to hear my OWN wisdom (more on this later)

And, I’m so, so, so grateful I did.

🤍

Thank you for reading my HERstory.

It’s pretty vulnerable to share.

But, I’m worth it.

She (my body) is worth it.

And, YOU are worth it.

Because through my vulnerability, I hope I can create ripples of hope and healing for you, too, dear reader.

Love, love, love,
Danielle

P.S. Thank you to my husband, Derek. Thank you for never, ever speaking one ill word about my body. Thank you for worshipping my body for everything she is and for loving her unconditionally (since I was almost 16!). Betty Jane, thank you for raising a man who honors + adores the female body. He is the change we wish to see in the world.

P.P.S. My prayer is that my words reach the hearts of the ones that are meant to receive them. Please share my Substack with the first being who comes to mind.